Just for fun I have collected pages from magazines with all kinds of interesting things and ideas. This column has several collections of what I hope you will find comical. I got these in a First magazine. Here goes:
Reasons Not To Go To The Gym:
If you lose the last 10 pounds, you’ll have nothing to strive for.
Who needs an elliptical machine when the elevator at work is broken?
Your yoga mat works well as a doormat.
You’d feel bad making all the other members jealous of your skillful aerobic moves.
You just noticed that your black gym bag clashes with your navy sports bra.
After burning that batch of cookies, you’ve sworn off burning anything else (including calories).
Seven Things You’re Sure Your Husband Will Never Say:
The mall? Can I go, too?
Do these Dockers make my butt big?
Beer? Nah! I’ll have sparkling water instead.
Why don’t we call your mother right now?
Honey, where did you leave the vacuum?
Which channel is Lifetime again?
Let’s just cuddle.
Seven Signs You’re Not Reality-Show material:
The last time you lost your temper was during the Carter administration.
You are too tired from everything you juggle to be a diabolical manipulator.
You don’t even have a single tattoo.
You believe sex should be (gasp!) private.
When you danced the Electric Slide at your sister’s wedding you actually slid—right into the cake!
You think that north is always in front of you (regardless of which way you’re facing).
Seven Signs You Need To Cut Back On Office Lingo:
In the middle of bickering with your husband, you suggest “tabling” the issues until tomorrow.
You refer to the local bookstore as your “preferred vendor.”
Forget to-do lists – you have “action items.”
You tell the school nurse that you’ll be the “point person” for your child.
While out to dinner with your husband, you call the sitter for a “status report.”
When your son asks for money, you send him to “accounts payable,”a/k/a Dad.
You groan about “poor ROI” (return on investment) when your retriever won’t fetch your slippers.
On a little different note:
10 Ways to Cure the Crankies.
- Get a pair of fuchsia flip-flops with big flowers on top – it’s hard to feel down when your feet are tickled pink.
- Harness your grouchiness: Call the utility company and talk down that too-high bill.
- Ask someone for a hug, then don’t let go until you feel better.
- Make like your teenage daughter and pout until you get your way.
- Go back to bed …. And get out on the other side.
- Let your four year-old-do your makeup.
- Buy a nice, fluffy new pillow to make life just a little softer around the edges.
- Pay a visit to your favorite stationery store and read funny greeting cards until you’ve laughed yourself happy.
- Substitute ice cream for milk with your breakfast – hey, they’re both dairy!
- Find out once and for all just how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
I’m just curious if you will find some humor in the reading to make you smile. Have a great week! As usual, contact me with comments or questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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