QUINN MINUTE: Classroom smells

by Rix Quinn

Every day in my high school, homeroom smelled different. Not better, but different.

At that moment, we teens were bound together by one goal. We wanted to smell better, and we wanted to smell stronger. This required experimentation.

Every morning, I left home as a cornucopia of fragrances. I began to apply them as soon as I stepped into the shower.

I first doused my hair with an anti-dandruff shampoo. I didn’t want snowy flakes raining down upon my madras button-down shirt.

Next, I chose a clean-scented bath soap. My first goal was to smell like I’d eaten breakfast in the laundry room.

I brushed my teeth with cavity-fighting toothpaste. I reinforced my delightful breath with a strong mouthwash. I exhaled the essence of a flower bed.

Now came cologne, the most important smell. On my cabinet shelf sat three different lotions.

My first choice smelled a little like dessert, with a mildly cinnamon aroma. What young lady could resist anybody who smelled like pie?

I’d describe my next cologne choice as citrus. It smelled invigorating, fresh, and bracing, I chose that one on days when I wanted to smell like grocery store produce.

My final choice was earthy. As I splashed that on, I imagined myself as a wild west cowboy, tough and rugged and just back from riding the range.

That’s right…I wanted to smell a little like the Lone Ranger’s saddle.

So, imagine that each homeroom houses 30 teenagers. Each of us daily shows up bathed in up to five fragrances. They combine to produce an overpowering aroma.

And even worse, my homeroom was in the biology department. Not only did I have to compete with other colognes…I had to compete with formaldehyde, too.