A gathering year for the improbables (April Fool’s story 2024)

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by Mary Grow

Few humans understand that a year in which two digits in our current Gregorian calendar add up to a third digit – like 2024, because 2 +2 = 4 — is a Gathering Year for the Improbables.

The last such year was 2013 (2 + 1 = 3). The next will be 2035 (2 + 3 = 5).

No human understands what criteria the Improbables use to choose their gathering place. There have been many theories and surmises over the centuries; none has had predictive value.

It is clear, however, that this year the small town of China, Maine, has been honored.

The earliest sighting, in late January, was of a pair of unicorns just off Maple Ridge Road, near the Winslow town line. The person who saw them did not report the sighting until this week.

“I’d had a couple beers, and I thought I was seeing things, like white horses with branches somehow stuck on their heads,” he confessed. “Couple beers don’t usually bother me. Couple unicorns, now, that’s a different story.”

A strange Yeti-like creature captured by a game camera near China Lake with China Baptist Church in the background.

The first Himalayan Yeti (also called the Abominable Snowman) was photographed by a game camera at a home on the northeast side of China Lake, apparently sampling suet from a bird-feeder. Two nights later, he or she returned with two other adults and a youngster. The homeowners took down the feeders and the camera.

In Thurston Park in February, cameras put up to deter vandals spotted 11 Bigfeet (Sasquatches), probably Canadian, and 11 Yowies from Australia playing a game that seemed to be similar to cricket. A park volunteer who studied the film said the Yowies won by a substantial margin, despite being less accustomed to winter weather in Maine.

A Deer Hill resident swears the animal who loped across Deer Hill Road in front of her car late one night was a werewolf. “I watch lotsa horror movies; I know one of them things when I see it,” she explained.

The werewolf was heading west, she said – “probably going down to the river hopin’ to find runnin’ water so’s he could get a drink.”

As word of unusual appearances began to spread, more people came forward to tell their tales. They include:

— The bird-watcher who is convinced he saw a roc over Three Mile Pond – “No, it was definitely not a big eagle. Not even big eagles come that big.”
— The Weeks Mills woman who did not dial 911 when a dozen centaurs filed down her driveway. “I’m a part-time 911 dispatcher myself, and I know what I’d be thinkin’ if I got a call like that,” she explained.
— The South China resident who watched a troop of elves hold an archery contest in his yard. “Man, those little guys can shoot – right into the bulls-eye every time, and so fast you couldn’t hardly believe it,” he said admiringly.
— Two China Village residents who interrupted their morning jog to see why the ducks in the open water by the causeway were agitated: they watched Poco, the 50-foot-long water snake from Pocomoonshine Lake, in Washington County, welcoming Champ from Lake Champlain, in Vermont, and Nessie from Loch Ness, in Scotland.

If past Gatherings are a guide, the Improbables will meet and greet in China until April 1. That evening, they will return to their homes until April Fools Day 2035.

China and Vassalboro planning boards subcommittee continues work (April Fool’s story 2023)

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by Mary Grow

China and Vassalboro planning board members have created a joint two-town subcommittee to draft a new ordinance that, with voters’ approval, would be identical in each town.

Its working title is “An Ordinance Prohibiting Any More Town Ordinances or Ordinance Amendments Until the Year 2050.”

China’s planning board has five members – there are supposed to be six, but one position has been vacant since last fall. Vassalboro’s has five, plus one alternate member.

After a friendly discussion, each board chose two members for the subcommittee, with the agreement that tie votes will be decided by a coin toss.

They further agreed that subcommittee members will not be named and, at risk of violating several state statutes, subcommittee meetings will not be publicized, even to the other board members.

The drastic plan was adopted because both boards’ members have spent months writing, debating and rewriting new or amended town ordinances.

China planners have worked on a commercial solar ordinance off and on for more than two years and still do not have a satisfactory draft. Their recent project has been a review of amendments to the section of the Land Development Code dealing with the Board of Appeals.

After months of long and lively meetings, Vassalboro board members recently forwarded a commercial solar ordinance to the select board, whose members will decide whether to present it to voters at the June town meeting. In addition, planners have repeatedly considered amendments to the town’s Marijuana Business Ordinance.

As a step toward providing background and direction for the subcommittee, all members of both boards replied, anonymously, to a questionnaire prepared by board chairmen:

  • Without exception, board members welcome input from officials and residents as they work on ordinances. “We’re here because we volunteered, not because we think we know everything,” one member commented.
  • However, all but two board members questioned the accuracy of some of the information they get. “You shouldn’t believe it just because you found it on the web” was another comment.
  • All 11 board members consider a public hearing the proper forum to receive suggestions, and all 11 wish more residents would attend public hearings.
  • All 11 welcome evidence submitted in letters and emails; comments were both positive and negative. One board member said the person submitting a written comment had more time to think about it; another said written comments cannot be debated as readily as those presented in an open forum.
  • Board members unanimously think having the town’s attorney review a draft ordinance is essential. “Better a bill for services today than a lawsuit tomorrow,” one wrote.
    — Seven of the 11 board members said voters’ rejection of an ordinance would discourage them from trying to write or amend any other ordinances, however desirable. None would resign his or her board seat if an ordinance were rejected.
    — Despite voting to establish the new subcommittee, nine of the 11 disagreed with the statement that “[My town] has too many ordinances.” Two added comments to the effect that not everyone will avoid harmful actions without ordinances and laws; a third said, “No such thing as too much paperwork, even in the computer age.”

The new subcommittee is scheduled to begin meeting early in April, with the goal of presenting a draft ordinance to the respective planning boards by June. The anti-ordinance ordinance could appear on China’s and Vassalboro’s Nov. 7 local ballots.

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If you think this proposed ordinance is an excellent idea, The Town Line is sorry to disappoint you: you just read our annual April Fools Day story.

IF YOU BELIEVED THIS STORY, YOU ARE AN APRIL FOOL!

Albion’s Lovejoy Health Center welcomes two new staff members

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This September, staff at Lovejoy Health Center welcome two new members: Nancy Johnson, Connector; and Hattie Blye, Care Manager.

Nancy obtained her bachelor’s degree in Secondary Education, Language Arts from the University of Maine at Farmington. She also has a master’s degree in Literacy Education from the University of Maine at Orono. She worked as a Certified Title I Literacy Teacher for the Augusta School Department for over a decade. Nancy also has experience in helping people with Medicare Part D. Nancy looks forward to providing free services to help patients navigate a variety of resources, including MaineCare (Medicaid), Hospital Free Care, the Supplemental Nutritional Aid Program (SNAP, or “food stamps”), reduced-cost prescription medications through the Patient Assistance Program, and our very own HealthReach Affordable Care program (“Sliding Fee”).

Hattie obtained her associate’s degree in Applied Medical Science, Medical Assistant from Central Maine Community College. Hattie brings a decade of experience as a medical assistant into the role of Care Manager. She looks forward to assisting patients with both the management of chronic illness and the pursuit of better health.

Nancy and Hattie join physician Dean Chamberlain; physician assistant Nikki Kimborowicz; family nurse practitioner Keiko Kurita; and licensed clinical social worker Deb Daigle. Clinicians offer medical and behavioral health services for patients of all ages.

Residents of Albion and nearby towns have enjoyed quality care at the Center since its founding in 1978.

Lovejoy Health Center is a part of HealthReach Community Health Centers, a group of twelve Federally Qualified Health Centers located across Central and Western Maine. Dedicated clinicians deliver high-quality medical and behavioral healthcare to citizens from 9 of Maine’s 16 counties. To ensure access for everyone, HealthReach accepts Medicare, MaineCare, and major insurance providers. In addition, an Affordable Care Program is available to both uninsured and underinsured residents. Assistance is available for applications to programs that help with the cost of your healthcare and medications, including Maine’s Health Insurance Marketplace.

VASSALBORO: Road complaints bring action by selectmen

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by Mary Grow

VASSALBORO – With roads unusually rough this spring, Vassalboro residents have complained, frequently and loudly.

Vassalboro selectmen have listened, sympathized and come up with a solution: a municipal helicopter service, tentatively named the Vass Fly.

The public works crew is surveying the town for a dozen or more helipad sites, probably including the town office lawn and the recreation fields. Selectmen are negotiating long-term leases on two dozen choppers and arranging to train public works employees as pilots and helicopter mechanics.

A Selectboard member reported that five residents with the necessary licenses have volunteered as pilots pending longer-term arrangements. Selectmen have asked the National Guard for help, once Guard members are done staffing vaccination clinics.

Among road complaints selectmen and town office staff reported receiving:

— A man spent a night in the emergency room after a bump threw him through the roof of his car. He has a concussion and sprained wrists, and can’t drive his car in the rain until the head-sized hole is patched.
— An eleven-year-old girl’s laptop is still lost in the puckerbrush after a violent jolt ripped it from her hands and threw it out the window of her father’s truck.
— Three residents are looking for new vehicles after the bottoms of two pick-ups and a Hummer were torn out when the wheels settled into deep grooves in the pavement. “That was my 2021 Ram – still had the temporary plates,” one man mourned.
— A series of heaves and dips threw a car off the road and over a stone wall into an orchard, where it damaged two Cortland trees. The driver admitted he should have known better than to go as fast as 25 miles an hour on that particular stretch.
— A couple complained that they could not access their driveway, which is near the top of a steep hill. Every time they slowed to turn in, either a trough in the pavement deflected the wheels and they missed the driveway, or a bump sent them back down the hill.
— A woman was carrying her damaged mailbox, which had been struck by a car whose driver was avoiding a pothole, when she stumbled and dropped the mailbox into the pothole. Her garden rake was not long enough to retrieve it.

One day, a selectman related, a town public works truck got hung up on a bump, all four wheels off the ground. Selectmen ordered the road closed, so the town crew put concrete Jersey barriers at each end.

“Made no difference,” the selectman said. “People drove right over the barriers without noticing them, they’re so used to bouncing up and down.”

Selectmen expect a whirlybird update at their April 1 meeting.

GUESS WHAT?

APRIL FOOL if you believed this.

 

 

Michigan group plans high-rise housing in China (2020 April Fools Day story)

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An artist’s rendition of the proposed high rise housing complex for China.

by Mary Grow

DeMiHuGi Developers, of Detroit, Michigan, filed permit applications with the Maine environmental protection and transportation departments on April 1, for a 28-story luxury housing complex, to be built on an artificial island at the Narrows on China Lake. The complex will be accessed by a causeway connecting the end of Neck Road to Lakeview Drive, as well as by boat.

Plans call for 24 stories of housing, with apartments arranged around a central core with elevators and utilities. The lower 12 will have four apartments per floor, each with views in two directions; the upper 12 will have two apartments per floor, each with views in three directions. Above will be a rooftop restaurant topped with solar panels.

The base of the building, partly below water level, will be a 150-car parking garage. Above the garage will be three stories housing a supermarket, a clothing store, a pharmacy and clinic, specialty restaurants and boutiques, a gym and sauna, a four-lane bowling alley, offices and probably one or more shops tailored to the area, like a sporting goods store or bait-and-tackle shop.

A double water purification system on the north side of the building will purify China Lake water to make it drinkable and treat wastes so wastewater will be returned to the lake “cleaner than it came out,” according to a DeMiHuGi spokesman.

The swimming beach will be on the south side, the marina on the southeast and motel-style employee housing east and west.

The four-lane causeway connecting the island to the mainland on both sides will be roofed with more solar panels. Additionally, cables running under the road will provide back-up power and will heat the causeway so it will not need winter maintenance.

The DeMi­HuGi spokesman, Maken Haye, said two similar projects on larger water bodies have drawbridges in the causeways to accommodate sailboats.

The company analyzed mast heights on China Lake and concluded no drawbridge is needed.

All windows will have bird-friendly glass. Indoor lighting will be arranged to create “a warm, welcoming glow” after dark.

DeMiHuGi’s spokesman, Haye, said in most projects some amenities are open to local residents, by arrangement with municipal officials.

Additionally, she said, it is company policy to hold a contest among local residents only to name the project. The contest winner receives a 10-year lease on one of the larger apartments.

The project schedule depends on acquiring the needed permits, state and local. The company spokesman said, “Since Maine has never seen a project like this, I expect it will take a while. I doubt we’ll break lake bottom this year.”

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IF YOU BELIEVED THIS STORY, YOU ARE A BELATED APRIL FOOL.